The 'Mean Mommy'

Whenever we watch Cinderella, Marina calls the wicked step-mother the 'Mean Mommy.' And today I'm feeling like the 'Mean Mommy'!!! My oldest son is 9 going on 19! And I'm finding myself fumbling around in the dark, trying to figure out how to talk to him, without it culminating into an argument...and I'm trying to figure out how to build a strong relationship with him, when his love languages are so very foreign to me!

I grew up with a bunch of emotional sisters. So, I am accustomed to showing and receiving love through words of affirmation and lots of physical affection. When Ryan and I haven't gotten along all day, he knows that just simply reaching over and squeezing my hand is enough to tell me, "Hey, today was rough, but I still love you, and it will all be okay." That's how I communicate and receive love.

So, when my son pushes me away when I'm trying to give him a hug before bed, or when we've been arguing in the car, and I reach over to squeeze his hand (trying to reassure him that Mommy still loves you!) and he yanks his hand away and tells me that he's not a baby....What am I to do?!?! It rips my heart out!

Before school today we got into another scuffle of words. I tried so hard to keep it calm and 'from-one-heart-to-another.' I even prefaced it with, "Mark, I'm saying all this because I love you and I want to help you. Not because I want an argument. So please really hear me out." But, of course, as words were released, and emotions began to rise, it turned into another ugly exchange. And when we headed out to the car to drive to school, he chose to sit in the back seat instead of his usual passenger seat. And there were no words spoken the entire way. And he just got out of the car and didn't look back! No emotion there! When did my kid get so good at shutting me out?? I almost lost it right there in the parking lot!

Things are so much easier when your kids are little, and they love to snuggle and show off and please you. And when they disobey, and you give them a little swat on the tush, they cry and run to you for comfort, and you have that bonding moment. It seemed so routine, and even silly, back then. But now, I'd give anything to have that simplicity back!

I'm not trying to be my kids' best friend. I realize that is a wrong approach for parents. But, I do want to have a strong relationship established at his young age...so that when we hit really rough waters, during the teen years, we have something solid to stand on. I just don't quite know how to establish that strong relationship now. HOW???

Mark has it with Daddy. They can relate simply because they are male. Daddy understands Mark's interest in adventure and danger and sweat and blood. Daddy is the fun one who rents video games and plays 4 square till their fingers bleed and makes all Mark's friends laugh. Me?? I'm just the 'Mean Mommy.' And, according to our conversation this morning, "I just don't understand," "I can't remember that far back to when I was a kid," "kids are different now," and my ideas "will never work." Aye! This is really hard.